Lies, Lies, and More Lies
by Shawn Jones
Summary: Sonic thinks it's about time Knuckles had a vacation. While Knuckles is gone Robotnik steals his 'Ruby'. Sonic has to get it back in order to keep a friendship with Knuckles, he also has to stop Robotnik, so he doesn't take over the world with it.


Shawn Jones  
  
LIES, LIES, AND MORE LIES  
  
Before we begin, let's get the legal stuff over with, shall we?  
  
Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.  
  
This story is pretty whacked-out, just like my first one. Enjoy.  
  
--Shawn Jones  
  
THE FLOATING ISLANDS  
  
Sonic was lying on the beaches of The Floating Island on his vacation; he sipped his umbrella drink. "Now that Robotnik is gone I can enjoy my vacation," he thought. "I wonder where Tails and Sally went off to..." Suddenly, in the distance, Sonic saw the bushes move. "Sally and Tails are playing hide and seek," thought Sonic. He tiptoed over to the bushes and shouted:  
  
"Boo!"  
  
"Holy shit, mon!" screamed a voice.  
  
"Got ya Tails. HA HA HA HA HA HA."  
  
"Tails? No mon, I'm Knuckles. You scared the shit out of me, mon."  
  
"Sorry Knuckles, I thought you were Tails. You see I lost track of Tails and Sally, so I mistook you for someone else."  
  
"No crap, that is why you almost give me a heart-attack, mon."  
  
"So, what are you up to? Haven't seen you in a while."  
  
"I been guarding me Ruby, mon."  
  
"That's all? Nothing fun at all?"  
  
"No mon, gotta guard me Ruby."  
  
"You need to get out have some real fun."  
  
"But who will guard me Ruby?"  
  
"Man, don't worry about your 'Ruby.' No one will steal it."  
  
"Ya sure, mon?"  
  
"Positive. I mean, come on, who wants a ruby anyway?"  
  
"Easy for you to say mon; it don't belong to you."  
  
"If you lose it, I'll find it, bring it back, and give it to you. Alright?"  
  
"If you say so mon. I'll go with you for a while. How long will I be gone, mon?"  
  
"As long as you want."  
  
"Okay, how 'bout three days, mon?"  
  
"How about a week."  
  
"Alright mon, let me pack my bags."  
  
"Well, let's meet in an hour, okay?"  
  
"Sure mon." Sonic left to go find Tails and Sally. Sonic ran around the entire island to find no one.  
  
"Alright, were are ya?"  
  
"Boo!" shouted a voice from behind.  
  
"Hi Tails," Sonic said casually.  
  
"How did ya know it was me?"  
  
"Because nobody on this island would try to scare me but you. Where is Sally?"  
  
"Right here Sonic," she called from behind.  
  
"I gotta tell you something."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Well, I told Knuckles to come with us, to get away from the island."  
  
"What in the hell did you do that for?"  
  
"He said he never ever has any fun. He says all day he guards his 'Ruby.' He's also been on these islands for a long time."  
  
"Which means?"  
  
"He'll speak like an Islander."  
  
"Shit. Sonic, you bastard. Now how are we going to understand him?"  
  
"I understand him perfectly."  
  
"Hey mon, how's it goin'?" said Knuckles, who had just appeared.  
  
"Let's get on the first flight out of here," said Sonic.  
  
THE PLAN  
  
Robotnik was sitting in his lab (now that his house was destroyed), thinking of a way to get back at Sonic.  
  
"That little bastard always ruins my plans. What I need to do is make myself an indestructible vehicle or something," he thought aloud. "I've got it! I will get the Chaos Emerald from the Floating Island! But how to get past Knuckles...? Oh well -- I've tricked him before, so I will trick him again! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
Inside the airplane, Sally made Sonic sit by Knuckles, who was ooh-ing and ahh-ing because he had never been in a plane before.  
  
"Oh mon, I've never seen one of these before. Look! What does that sign mean, mon?"  
  
"That means 'buckle your seat belt.'"  
  
"Ya know, the only thing I don't like about this thing is them bathrooms be to small, mon."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Ya mon, the room be so small that all you can do is sit on the pot. No leg room, mon."  
  
"I didn't notice, sorry."  
  
"When will we be there, mon?"  
  
"Soon." The plane landed three minutes later. Sonic, Sally, Knuckles, and Tails headed to Knothole Village.  
  
"This place is big mon, never seen bigger. I'll bet it has electricity."  
  
"Yeah, well, usually houses or places people live HAVE ELECTRICITY!" screamed Sally.  
  
"Cool down, Sal. He lives on an island where electricity is scarce."  
  
"'Cool down?' What the fuck do you mean, 'cool down'? He's an asshole."  
  
"Sally! You need some rest, so just go your room, and sleep.  
  
"No I think..."  
  
"Do it."  
  
"Alright, good night everyone."  
  
" 'Night Aunt Sally," said Tails.  
  
" 'Night Sally-Mon," said Knuckles.  
  
" 'Night Sal," said Sonic. Sally crept into her room.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that Knuckles, she's being a bitch today. I wouldn't pay to much attention to her."  
  
"I think I should go to the bed too, mon."  
  
"Alright, 'night Knuckles."  
  
"Yeah, 'night, mon."  
  
Dr. Robotnik was pondering thoughts of his last battle with Sonic on the airplane ride to the Floating Islands. When the plane landed, Robotnik went straight to the Chaos Emerald.  
  
"Knuckles... Knuckles? Not here. I wonder were he is." Robotnik found a sign placed by the Chaos Emerald; it read:  
  
"This be my Ruby, mon. You touch, you die. You take, you die. You do anything to my Ruby without my permission, you die, mon."  
  
--Knuckles, Guardian of The Ruby  
  
"Well I think that is explicit enough, but I'll take it anyway." Robotnik took the next airplane flight back, with a large carry-on luggage case.  
  
KNOTHOLE  
  
"Did ya have a good night's sleep, mon?" Knuckles asked Sally.  
  
"I'm not a 'mon,' I'm Sally. My sleep was horrid, thanks for asking."  
  
"Sal, could I speak with you in private for a moment?" asked Sonic.  
  
"Sure." Sonic took Sally into his room.  
  
"Sal, could you be a bit nicer to Knuckles? This is his first experience of fun, and you're turning it into hell for the poor guy."  
  
"Sorry Sonic, I'll try to make this visit more pleasant for him."  
  
"Thanks." Sonic and Sally reentered the room.  
  
"Hi Knuckles," Sally said, trying to sound nice.  
  
"Hi Sally-Mon... errrrr, I mean Sally."  
  
"Hey Knuckles, had breakfast?" questioned Sonic.  
  
"Ya mon, I had banana bread and coffee-cake."  
  
"So Knuckles," Sally was saying, "do ya like your stay so far?"  
  
"Ya mon, it is fun. I like the islands, but here is good too, mon."  
  
"Well, let's get going," Sally said. "I'd like to take a scenic walk into the forest. Shall we?" They all headed out the door and started out to the Great Forest.  
  
Knuckles was amazed. "Look at all the trees, mon. They are big and tall."  
  
"Usually," Sally replied nastily.  
  
"Goddamn it Sally, shut the hell up!" screamed Sonic.  
  
"Ya mon, you are a bitch."  
  
"Sorry Knuckles," said Sally.  
  
"Hey Knuckles, you're a bitch, mon," laughed Tails, trying a bad impression of his accent.  
  
"Good accent, mon," said Knuckles sarcastically as he punched Tails in the face. "Very funny, mon."  
  
"It's about time somebody beat the hell out of him," said Sonic.  
  
"Ya mon, I won't take his shit anymore from him." He turned to Sally, "You either. I thought I was supposed to have fun on this trip, but Sonic is the only one making it pleasant, mon." Knuckles started walking back to Knothole.  
  
"Hey, wait up Knuckles..." Sonic turned to Sally and Tails, "You assholes, are you proud of yourselves now? You completely ruined his vacation." Sonic ran after Knuckles.  
  
"Look what you did, Tails."  
  
"Me? What about you, Sally?"  
  
"You're the one who made fun of his accent, you dumb bastard." Sally ran back to Knothole.  
  
Sonic caught up with Knuckles. "Hey Knuckles..."  
  
"I'm going home tomorrow, mon."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No mon, your friends don't like me here. So I must go."  
  
"Alright, but you're welcome back any time."  
  
The next morning Knuckles packed his bags and left on the first flight to the Floating Islands.  
  
THE EMERALD  
  
Robotnik sat in his office, wondering what to do with his newly stolen emerald. Suddenly it came to him.  
  
"I know! I will make a super-machine to finally rid myself of Sonic FOREVER. HA HA HA HA. I will call this project... Project Pluto. I remember how I came up with the name. It was about 5 years ago. Snively and I were lost. Neither of us knew where we were. Then I began feelin' 'round on all the trees, and I says, 'I got it. We on Pluto.' And Snivley says, 'Robotnik, how can you tell?' I says, 'From the bark, you dummy! From the bark!' HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
Knuckles had just arrived at the Floating Islands. He immediately rushed over to his Emerald, but it wasn't there. All he found was a note reading:  
  
"Hey Knuckles, long time no see. I just borrowed your 'Ruby', and I'll put it to good use. You can tell Sonic to kiss my ass, because I won't give it to him or you. HA HA HA HA HA HA. Why weren't you here? I just easily took it, I didn't have to fool you, mon. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."  
  
--Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Keeper of The Ruby  
  
"That fat bastard. Better call Sonic and chew his ass out, mon." Knuckles went to the nearest phone. "Hi mon, can I speak with Sonic? Thanks mon."  
  
"Sonic," Tails shouted.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Knuckles wants to talk with you."  
  
"Alright, give me the phone. Waz up?"  
  
"Asshole."  
  
"What did I do?"  
  
"Robotnik took me Ruby, mon."  
  
"So I get it back."  
  
"No mon, he won't give it to you."  
  
"No shit, I take it from him."  
  
"You better, 'cause this whole thing was your idea, mon."  
  
"I said, I'll get it BACK!"  
  
"You better mon, or I'll go over there and kill you. Bye-bye, mon."  
  
"See ya."  
  
"Sonic?" asked Sally  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
"Ummmmm...don't know."  
  
"Then why were you talking for so long?"  
  
"Ummmmmm...don't know."  
  
"Sonic, give me a real answer!"  
  
"Welllllll...it was Knuckles."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"He's kinda pissed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Robotnik got the 'Ruby'."  
  
"Isn't Robotnik dead?"  
  
"Never thought of that. He's probably tricking us, because of his not-so- much-fun stay.  
  
"Then I wouldn't go after it."  
  
"It wouldn't hurt to investigate Robotnik's laboratory anyhow. Could pick up something useful."  
  
Sonic rushed to the laboratory; he opened the door.  
  
"Does anyone know how to KNOCK!" a voice yelled.  
  
"Crap, he is alive." Sonic rushed back to Knothole. "Robotnik is ALIVE!" he shouted.  
  
"How's that?" asked Tails.  
  
"He's not dead. How's aboot that, eh?"  
  
"Sonic, don't be a smart-ass," replied Sally.  
  
"I'm not, I'm tellin' the truth."  
  
"I have to go find that emerald."  
  
"We're both going with you."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well, at least one of us has to go with you."  
  
"Fine. If one of you must go... Tails, you ain't going."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No buts, stay here." Sonic and Sally headed for the door.  
  
Sonic and Sally were standing outside Robotnik's laboratory.  
  
"Alright Sally, you go distract Robotnik and I'll find the 'Ruby'."  
  
"What if I get caught?"  
  
"Then I will leave you here."  
  
"Will you come to get me later?"  
  
"Sure. Go ring the door bell."  
  
Ding-dong. "What is it?" Robotnik shouted from inside.  
  
"Open the door."  
  
He did. "What the... Sally? Why are you here?"  
  
"I came to see your new house."  
  
"Really? Great, let's go inside and get the 'Ruby'. Then we go to my NEW HOUSE." After they disappeared inside, Sonic walked in the front door and started looking for the emerald (he apparently didn't hear what Robotnik had just said).  
  
"Sally? Let's go, I got the emerald," said Robotnik a few moments later. He and Sally jumped into the car and drove away. When they reached Robotnik's new house, they hopped out of the car and went inside.  
  
"Nice place, huh?" asked Robotnik. "I like the fact that it is on a hill. It kinda reminds me of that movie, House on Haunted Hill. Spooky huh? Ya know what used to be here?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Neither do I. But I would like to know."  
  
"I wouldn't."  
  
"Why, scared?"  
  
"No it's just that... ummmm...I don't know."  
  
"You're scared. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Maybe I should ask my computer."  
  
"NO!!!!"  
  
"Why not? I'm interested."  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"Go cook me some dinner."  
  
"Right now?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"In the kitchen, ALONE?"  
  
"Why of course."  
  
"I might get lost."  
  
"Naw, I'll lead the way." Robotnik took Sally to the kitchen. "I'll be in the dinning room if you need me." Sally started to cook dinner.  
  
THE DINNER  
  
Robotnik sat at the dinner table with his emerald, eating dinner.  
  
"Like the food?" asked Sally from across the table.  
  
"Nope, tastes like crap... just kidding! HA HA HA HA HA."  
  
"Asshole."  
  
"Like the house?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"You don't get it, do you?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"This house is pissed. It has no morals, 'cause it's a fucking HOUSE!"  
  
"Why did you bring that up?"  
  
"Don't know, just sounds good. Well, I've had enough. I'm going to bed."  
  
"Where am I going to sleep?"  
  
"I don't care, sleep anywhere but MY ROOM!"  
  
"Like I would sleep with you."  
  
"Well, 'night."  
  
Sonic came back to Knothole.  
  
"Tails?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Give me the phone."  
  
"Alright, here it is."  
  
"Thanks. Knuckles? What are you doing?"  
  
"What are you doing, mon?"  
  
"I called to tell you that Robotnik took the 'Ruby' and Sally to his new house."  
  
"So, what? Do you want me to come down, mon?"  
  
"Yeah, we could find his house tonight, and get the emerald while he is sleeping."  
  
"I'll be right down, mon." In about a half an hour Knuckles was with Sonic searching for Robotnik's house.  
  
"Hey, is that it?" asked Sonic.  
  
"Ya mon, let's go."  
  
Sonic and Knuckles approached Robotnik's house.  
  
"Should we knock?" Sonic asked.  
  
"No mon, he might hear us. Let's open the door to the house, sneak in, and get me Ruby."  
  
"Whatever you say." Knuckles opened the door. "How are we going to find it, Knuckles?"  
  
"We'll split up, mon - I'll try the base... no, you get the basement, I'll take the top middle floor, then we'll both take the attic. Okay, mon?"  
  
"No. Why do I get the basement?"  
  
"Ummmm...the basement is for fast people, ya know, to run away?"  
  
"Whatever, chickenshit."  
  
Inside his bedroom, Dr. Robotnik put "Big Willie Style" in his CD player and started to sing along.  
  
Outside...  
  
"Wait a minute Knuckles, do you hear something?"  
  
"Ya, mon."  
  
"Sounds like Robotnik singing 'Gettin' Jiggy Wit it.'"  
  
"Ya, mon..."  
  
"Shhhh, listen."  
  
Inside...  
  
Robotnik: "On your mark lets go, dance floor pro, I know you know I go psycho, play my new joint hit gotta get jiggy wit it, ooh that's it. Now honey, honey, come ride DKMY all up in my eye. You gotta grotta bag with a lotta stuff in it, give it to your friend, lets spin..."  
  
Outside...  
  
"If you follow his voice you'll find him. Lets go Knuckles"  
  
Inside...  
  
Robotnik: "...Big Willie Style's all in it, gettin' jiggy wit it. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na Na Na. Gettin' jiggy wit it. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na Na Na. Gettin' jiggy wit it. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na Na Na."  
  
Outside...  
  
"Almost there, Knuckles."  
  
Inside...  
  
Robotnik: "No love for the haters, the haters, mad 'cause I got floor seats at the Lakers. See me on the fifty-yard line with the Raiders. Met Ali, told me I'm the greatest..."  
  
Outside...  
  
"It's coming from this room."  
  
Inside...  
  
Robotnik: "Gettin' jiggy wit it..."  
  
"Found ya!" said Sonic as he burst into the room.  
  
"How did you find me?"  
  
"Well, when you're singing it ain't too hard."  
  
"Damn, I knew that was a mistake."  
  
Knuckles walked up to him. "Well, now that I'm here I want my Ruby, mon."  
  
"No."  
  
Knuckles punched Robotnik in the face. "I said give me my Ruby, now!"  
  
"Alright," said Robotnik, nearly unconscious, "take it." Sonic and Knuckles lifted the emerald and carried it all the way to Knothole.  
  
Sonic slapped his forehead. "Damn it!"  
  
"What is it, Sonic?" asked Tails.  
  
"I forgot to get Sally."  
  
"Oh is that all, mon?" Knuckles yawned.  
  
"What the fuck do you mean, "that all"? She's gonna kick my ass."  
  
"All I care about is my Ruby, mon."  
  
"Knuckles, you can go back home anytime now."  
  
"Alright mon, thanks for findin' me Ruby."  
  
"Ya, no prob. Tails, you stay here while I go back to get Sally. I think I will wait a little bit."  
  
At Robotnik's house, Sally was looking through Robotnik's medicine cabinets. She found some bizarre things.  
  
"Gas-X, Beano, Steve Martian's Penis Beauty Cream, a laxative, Itch Stopper Plus, Excedrin, a Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, and Viagra. What the hell does he need these for? Nasty old man."  
  
Knuckles was still at Knothole, and he'd helped himself to the available Jack Daniels in the cupboard. After only a few shot-glasses, he was bombed.  
  
"Hey, Tails mon."  
  
"Yeah, Knux?"  
  
"This is some good shit, mon. Ya want some, mon?"  
  
"No, that's okay. I heard that it shrinks your testicles. Do ya want some breakfast?"  
  
"Yah, mon. What ya got?"  
  
"Fruit Lupes or Smellogg's Super Colon-Blow."  
  
"I'm not that hungry, mon."  
  
FOUL PLAY  
  
Sonic arrived at Robotnik's house and suddenly thought up a new idea. "Why don't I throw a bomb down Robotnik's chimney?" Sonic climbed to the roof and tossed a bomb down the chimney.  
  
Inside, Robotnik was sitting (on his fat ass) doing nothing (as usual) by the fire place. The bomb went off.  
  
"Holy shit, Saddam Insane is bombin' us!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. Sonic, still on the roof, was laughing his head off.  
  
"What a dumb ass, he thought it was Saddam Insane. HA HA HA!" He left.  
  
Meanwhile, Sally put a whoopee cushion on Robotnik's favorite chair. After things calmed down and the dust settled, Robotnik made his way to his chair. He grabbed a magazine and sat down on the whoopee cushion.  
  
"Oh, crap! I hope no one heard that!" Robotnik said to himself. Sally walked into the room, laughing in extreme amounts.  
  
"You...HA HA...sat...HA...on a...OH GOD...on a whoopee...HA HA HA...cushion! HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
"I'm glad you thinks it's funny. Y'know, like they say on the commercials, 'Don't get mad, get glad'?" Just then, Robotnik dropped the pen he was holding in his hand. He bent over to pick it up and his pants ripped right down the crack. "Oh, crap!" he said worriedly. Sally just laughed harder and harder. She left the room and went down the hall, trying hard to stop laughing, and spotted a room that she had not explored. Sally opened the door... only to find an Ass-Jet 2500 copy machine; it took up the entire room. Sally once again started to laugh hysterically.  
  
Sonic came home to find a sloshed Knuckles and a Smellogg's-Super-Colon- Blown-Out Tails. Sonic really didn't care; he was going to share his "Saddam Insane" story with them anyway.  
  
"Hey guys, I just went over to Robotnik's house and, well, to make a short story long, I mean...well anyway, I climbed up on his roof and threw a bomb down his chimney. He said, 'Holy shit, Saddam Insane is bombin' us!' I started laughin' so hard. Damn it was funny. I guess you would had to have been there."  
  
"Sonic," Tails started to ask, "did you forget Aunt Sally again?"  
  
"FUCK!"  
  
"I'll take that as a yes."  
  
A PEACEFUL TRIP TO THE GOLDEN ARCHES  
  
"Sally, do you want to come to MacDonald's with me?"  
  
"Sure," Sally said, not bothering to wonder why Robotnik wanted to go to the Golden Arches. After a few minutes, they were in the MacDonald's parking lot.  
  
"Should we go in or use the drive-through?" asked Robotnik.  
  
"Use the drive-through." They drove up to the window.  
  
"I'll have a Big Mac meal, no pickles, Super-Sized with a Dr. Pepper. Sally?"  
  
"I'll have a cheese burger meal, medium-sized with a Coke."  
  
"That will be $11.35 at the next window, please," the man said kindly. Robotnik took his car up to the middle window, paid, and drove to the next window. He then received his meal and he parked in the parking lot.  
  
"Got to make sure it's right," Robotnik said. He fumbled through the bags, only to find that his Big Mac had pickles. "Damn, mother fuckers, never get my shit right! Damn it!" Robotnik opened the car door, then slammed it too soon; it smashed his ass. "Shit. Damn McDonalds!" He marched in the door, pissed. He was only to become even more pissed.  
  
"I have to see your receipt," the woman at the cash register said very calmly.  
  
"You didn't give me a goddamned receipt. So go shove your head up your ASS!"  
  
"Sir..."  
  
"Sorry, your head is already up your ass."  
  
"Mister, you listen hear..."  
  
"Dumb bitch, get me my goddamned Big Mac!"  
  
"Alright." He saw her go behind the counter and scrape the pickles off. She came back and gave it to him.  
  
"Bullshit, I want a damn new one!" Robotnik screamed. She went back and cooked a new Mac for him. Robotnik left, still unhappy. He jumped in the car and started to complain.  
  
"They get my order wrong, then I pinch my ass, then..."  
  
THE ESCAPE, AND THEN SOME  
  
Sonic once again came back to Robotnik's house. It was nearly midnight. Sonic slowly opened the door and crept in. He found Sally and rushed her out of the house without much trouble from Robotnik. He took her home and found everybody sleeping.  
  
Tails was in his room drifting off to sleep... when Rotor, Bunnie, and Antoine all came through the door. After being lost at sea, they were finally back! Tails came up to greet them...but they seemed different. He talked with them awhile. Then, without warning, they were covered in seaweed and looked very dead. Tails ran, but seaweed coiled around him; they were pulling him in. What were they gonna do to him? Tails found out soon as their mouths opened. They were going to eat him...!  
  
Tails woke up and found that he pissed his bed. Sally was not going to be happy. Just as he was thinking that, Sally walked in and found the bed wet.  
  
"Damn it Tails, I'm not gonna clean it up this time!"  
  
"I know, sorry." Sonic and Knuckles awoke to all the noise.  
  
"What the hell is goin' on?" asked a sleepy Sonic.  
  
"Nothin', Tails just pissed his bed."  
  
"Oh," Sonic yawned, "that again." He turned to Knuckles. "When are you going home?"  
  
"Today, mon. Got the first flight out."  
  
"Okay, I'll come with you." Sonic and Knuckles packed their bags and left for the island.  
  
On the plane, Knuckles had to use the bathroom (he had to take a grumpy). He finished up and was about to leave... but soon discovered that the door was stuck. Knuckles was locked in the John.  
  
"Help! The goddamn door is stuck, mon! Sum bitch! No leg-room, mon! Help, anyone! Damn it!"  
  



End file.
